


A Knight to Remember

by cinnamonivy



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, DCU (Animated), DCU (Comics)
Genre: A lot of bad puns, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Bad Puns, Double Dating, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Ficlet, I apologize for that, One Shot, Robbery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 22:31:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6539098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonivy/pseuds/cinnamonivy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Selina manages to talk Bruce into a double date with Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. Things do not go well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Knight to Remember

Bruce looked at the windows. If he could just stand up, get a running start, and use the table two tables down as a jumping off point, he could feasibly go crashing through the glass and escape into the night. He'd ruin his suit, sure, but it could be replaced easily enough. Yes, if he made sure to hit the glass with his jacket covering his face, he probably wouldn't even be that badly injured. It was only the second story, after all. He briefly considered asking the family sitting nearest the windows to move now.  


"Bruce?" Selina looked at him in a knowing way. "Remember, they don't know who you are. They probably won't try anything."  


Bruce looked grimly at the approaching couple. "They'd better not."  


"Bruce, they're my friends. Act normal."  


Bruce was about to protest that they certainly wouldn't, but before he could say another word a high-pitched yell split the air.  
"KITTY!"  


Selina looked up warmly at the blonde as she bounced over to their table and flopped gracelessly onto a chair. "Hi, Harley."  


Her date was a bit more reserved, slowly pulling out a chair and settling in, her legs crossed to the side. She looked almost as uncomfortable as Bruce felt. "Selina."  


"Pamela." There was a definite chill to Selina's tone. Bruce remembered that the redhead had tortured Selina for information, and although Selina claimed to have forgiven, clearly she hadn't forgotten. Poison Ivy shifted in her seat and crossed her arms, glancing at Bruce disdainfully.  


Selina looked back at Harley. "So, Pam, Harl, this is my date. Bruce Wayne."  


"Bruce Wayne? The playboy billionaire?" Harley giggled girlishly and leaned forward, practically crawling onto the table. "Harley Quinn. Pleased t' meetcha!" She grinned. Bruce awkwardly shook her hand and she returned to her place. "So how'd ya land that'n, Kitty?"  


Selina glanced quickly at Bruce, then back to Harley. "Um.... How did we meet?" She fake laughed awkwardly, stalling for time to come up with a lie. "I was at one of his charity bashes, and I, I broke into his safe, and...." She glanced at Bruce, hoping for a lifeline.  


"-And I saw her, and chased after her, and the rest is history," Bruce filled in. He watched the Sirens carefully, hoping that they didn't suspect that something was up.  


"Whateva happened to Batsy?" Harley asked casually. "Didn't you two used to be a thing?"  


"What?" Bruce reached into his coat pocket surreptitiously. He could contact Nightwing with just a touch of a button if things got risky.  


"Y'know, B-man! I'd always assumed that Kitty'n him were all couply, what wit' ya always makin' eyes at 'im."  


"I-" Selina was spared having to come up with a lie by the arrival of a waiter. Funny, Bruce could've sworn that the man looked somewhat familiar, but he couldn't quite place the face.  


The waiter held up his little notepad. "Do you have your orders?"  


Bruce glanced at the menu. "I'll have the pasta pipistrelli."  


The waiter jotted down the order. "Anything to drink? Appetizers? Condiments?"  


"Just water."  


Ivy pushed her menu towards the waiter with one hand. "I'll have a Caesar salad, with no dressing, cheese, croutons, or anything that the chef adds that is not in the recipe."  


"You want...a bowl of lettuce? No condiments whatsoever?"  


"Your hypothetical tip is shrinking by the second."  


The waiter took the hint and turned to Harley. She took an agonizingly long fifteen seconds to go over the menu again.  


"Alright, mistah, Imma have the mini cheesy burger wit' a large grape soda and extra fries."  


The waiter looked like he was a about to protest a grown woman ordering off of the kids' menu, but thought better of it and turned to Selina. "And you?"  


"Seafood risotto." The waiter looked relieved with her relatively normal order and left the table.  


Ivy leaned forward "Now where were we? Oh yes. So, Selina, how's the straight and narrow?"  


Selina shrugged. "It's alright. But enough about me. How are you and Harley? Has she finally broken off things for good with that clown?"  


Harley nodded. "Yuh-huh! Now it's just me an' Red. Me an' Mistah J are through for good this time! I'm not goin' back to that creep ever again!" Bruce knew that Harley had said that at least seventeen times, only to go running back to the Joker at the first opportunity. However, he still wanted to believe her; Bruce always liked to think that people could change for the better.  


Ivy smiled shyly at Harley, the first time that she had so far that evening. "Anyway, we've got a new hideout. Abandoned greenhouse partially submerged in a swamp. You should stop by sometime, Selina." Ivy glanced at Bruce. "Alone. I'll tell you the address when we're somewhere a bit more...private."  


Selina nodded, and leaned back in her chair. There was a moment of silence that felt like years. The Sirens couldn't talk with Bruce around, and Bruce couldn't talk to Selina with Harley and Ivy listening. There were a few attempts at small talk, but each fizzled and died after a couple sentences. Selina nodded awkwardly for a second, then busied herself with analyzing a salad fork. Harley leaned over to Ivy and whispered something in her ear, and they both started laughing. Bruce glanced at an antique wall clock. Hopefully the food would be here soon.  


The vibration of the stealth communications device was almost a welcome distraction. Bruce excused himself and quickly walked out of the restaurant. He glanced around briefly before checking it. The transmission crackled a bit before gaining clarity.  


"Bruce. It's Oracle. I've just received word that there's just been another breakout from Arkham."  


"Who is it this time? Joker? Two-Face?"  


"Nothing to worry about, but I just thought you should know. It was from the minimal security wing."  


"What?"  


"It's where they keep the more harmless prisoners."  


"Well, who was it?"  


"There are at least three inmates on the loose- hold on a minute, let me check- The Penny Plunderer, Crazy Quilt, and Condiment King. The GCPD can probably handle them, but I'm just letting you know."  


"Okay." Bruce put the communicator back into his coat pocket and returned inside to the table. The Sirens were talking animatedly about something, but went quiet shortly before he got into earshot. Ivy quickly put a folded piece of paper with unusual green stains into her purse.  


"It was my work," Bruce explained vaguely when Harley glanced at him curiously.  


"Nothing serious, I hope?" Selina asked tactfully.  


"No, nothing too bad. Someone else can deal with it."  


"Good, good." She turned back to Ivy. "So, Bruce, Ivy went on a trip to Central America recently. She was just telling me about it."  


Ivy nodded. "It was amazing. There were so many types of rare plant species. Some can kill a man a dozen different ways. I love studying them. I'm a botanist." Bruce has to admire the fact that it wasn't technically a lie, in the way that he hadn't been lying earlier about his work. "So, Mr. Wayne, I can assume that you might have heard of some of my work with Wayne Botanical?"  


"I know of it. Very...interesting."  
Harley smiled at Ivy. "Yeah, Red's real smart. Didja know she's got the last one of a kinda giant flytrap? Isn't that snazzy?"  


"Really?" Bruce mentally noted to keep an eye out for Ivy's new pet in the future.  


"Yep. Hey, do I know you?" Harley cocked her head to one side and looked at Bruce. "'S funny, coulda sworn I'd seen your face b'fore. Something 'bout the chin..." She held up a hand, obscuring the top half of Bruce's face from her vision. "Ah well. So Selina, Mistah Wayne, didja see the news 'bout the animal shelter an' every single dog was adopted?" She bounced in her seat. "That was me! Bud an' Lou seemed kinda lonely so I got 'em some friends!" She looked around in excited anticipation at Selina and Bruce's stunned expressions.  


"That's over fifty dogs," Selina emphasized slowly.  


"Fifty-two. I counted." Harley remarked proudly.  


Ivy gave Bruce and Selina a long-suffering look. Selina patted her shoulder sympathetically.  


"So sorry about the wait, I'm Adriano, and I will be your server this evening. May I start you off with something to drink?" A different waiter than the one who had taken their order now stood beside the table.  


"We've already ordered. Move along," Ivy dismissed him with a wave of her hand.  


"No, I've been assigned to this table. Are you entirely sure....?" The waiter looked genuinely confused. Something was going on.  


Suddenly, there were the sounds of screams, shattering glass, and a sort of squelching from the kitchen. Bruce turned quickly and saw a chef tripping over himself in his haste to escape. An indiscernible figure slowly followed him out into the dining hall and raised his weapon. As he stepped into the light, Bruce recognized the man as the first waiter.  


"You'd butter run!" He turned to the patrons, who seemed more confused than anything. 

"Nobody move! This is a robbery!"  
Selina glanced back at the table. "Did he just say butter?"  


Ivy sighed in exasperation. "Amateur. He should really try for something subtler if he wants to inspire any sort of fear in people."  


The other diners seemed to have the same thought, and many went back to eating. The robber looked around a bit in momentary confusion, then jumped on top of a table.  


"Fools! You didn't recognize me, did you?" He set down the weapon, which appeared to be some sort of water pistol, on the table beside him, and began unbuttoning his suit jacket. "Well, I relish the idea of putting you in your place. For I, The Condiment King, shall show you the true meaning of rubbing salt in the wound!" He laughed maniacally as he removed his disguise, revealing the handmade bodysuit underneath. He picked up the water pistol and leveled it at the nearest civilian. "Hand over all of your valuables and you might all make it out of this jam alive."  


A woman sitting at the table stood up. "Okay, freak, you've had your fun, now beat it. And you're paying for that lasagna you stepped in."  


The Condiment King leveled the water pistol at her. "Don't pepper your speech with insults. You wouldn't like for it to ketchup to you."  


The woman was unimpressed. "I'm calling the police." She reached into her purse for her phone, only to have it knocked out of her hand by a blast from the plastic weapon. A splatter of crimson appeared across her front, and Bruce heard a collective gasp of horror.  


"What the hell?!" The woman yelled. "Ketchup? Are you serious? The one time I wear a white dress! What is wrong with you?!"  


The Condiment King turned back to face the crowd. "Does anyone else want to play hero?"  


Bruce gritted his teeth. This should've been an easy fight. He probably wouldn't have even broken a sweat, but with the two villainesses casually watching the chaos unfold, he couldn't slip out and change. He could always just contact Nightwing, but this didn't really seem worth his time. He turned to look at the Sirens, who seemed, if anything, amused by this turn of events.  


Ivy stood up. "Harley, care to show them how it's done?"  


Harley giggled and took an oversized pistol out of her bag. "Right ahead o' ya, Red. Comin', Kitty? Nah? Well, it's been fun. See ya round!" She jumped out of her chair and ran towards the other rogue. Before he could even make a mediocre food pun, the clown shoved him off of the table and took his place. She kicked a plate onto the floor, where it shattered.  


"Alright, ladies and gents, entertainment's over. Time for th' real stickup!" She gestured at Ivy. "Everyone give your stuff to Red an' no one gets hurt, kay?"  


Ivy clenched her fist and vines split through the floor. The crowd screamed and began to rush towards the exit, only to find it blocked by a thicket of thorns. "You heard her. Any valuable that you have on you goes to us." Thorny branches began herding the victims towards her. Ivy began to walk through the crowd, holding an open bag that she'd taken from Condiment King in one hand. Dozens of smaller vines began to snake through the panicked mass, claiming wallets, jewelry, and small trinkets for their mistress.  


A pale green tendril started to wrap itself around Selina's wrist. She snapped it with a quick tug and pulled Bruce under the table, away from the encroaching plants.  


"I thought you said they wouldn't try anything," Bruce muttered.  


"I was wrong, okay?" Selina hissed. She looked back at Harley and Ivy. "Now, should we deal with this ourselves or call Nightwing? Bruce?" She turned, awaiting a response, but saw only empty air. "Of course. I see you're going to handle this yourself."  


Batman crashed through the barrier and fought through the surge of humanity to Harley and Ivy. "Drop the gun."  


Harley shoved the Condiment King towards him as a distraction and climbed onto a vine. "No! I'm warnin' ya, B-man, one wrong move an' Kitty gets it!" She waved the gun in the general direction of Selina, who had taken off one stiletto and was using it to fight off the vines.  


"Harley, listen to me. Just let-" He was cut off by a monstrous vine wrapping around him, pinning his arms to his sides. Ivy laughed and walked up to him. "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. What ever should we do with him?"  


Harley jumped down beside her. "How 'bout we just shoot 'im?"  


"How about no?"  


"Wha-?" Harley whipped around to see that Selina had escaped the vines and now had her stiletto to Ivy's throat. She held the redhead in front of her as a shield as she turned to face Harley. "He said drop the gun."  


"Let her go, Kitty! I don't wanna hafta do this, but but I'll do it! I'll-" Harley was clearly conflicted, aiming first at Selina, then at Batman.  


"Do it, Harley!" Ivy yelled. A vine wrapped around Selina's ankle and tugged her backwards. She yelped as she lost her balance and Ivy twisted away. Harley covered her eyes, pointed randomly, and pulled the trigger. A deafening shot rang out. Batman looked around quickly to see if anyone had been hit, but the gunsmoke had obscured his vision.  


"So sorry, Red!" Harley's voice seemed more embarrassed than anything. Had she missed?  


The smoke cleared, and Batman could see that Selina was unharmed. A colorful flag labeled, "Bang!" had unfurled from the end of Harley's gun. She giggled awkwardly, the toy weapon held loosely in her hand.  


Ivy sighed. "Why do you even have that?"  


"I said I was sorry! An' Mistah J always thought it was funny when somebody thought ya was about to shoot 'em in th' head an' ya didn't!"  


"Oh, well, then if your 'Mistah J' thought so, then of course that's something you bring on a heist!"  


"I didn't know it was gonna be a heist!"  


"Then why did you bring a gun?!"  


Their momentary distraction was all it took for Batman to tear himself free from the slightly loosened bonds. Harley stopped mid-explanation, picked up a chair and ran towards him, yelling. Batman rolled out of the way, leaving her own momentum to send her crashing through a mass of tangled vines. As she attempted to wrench herself out of the branches, Selina grabbed one of her pigtails and shoved her back. There was a brief struggle, but Selina quickly overpowered her and sent her crashing through a window. She landed in a patch of Ivy's shrubbery and climbed shakily to her feet, before stumbling again after a couple steps.  


"Goddess, I have to do everything myself," Ivy muttered, picking up the bag and sprinting towards the door. Batman followed her in pursuit, quickly diminishing her lead.  


"Stop right there, Batman! You can jelly your head in the sand no longer!" The Condiment King paused for a second. "Get it? Jelly? Instead of bury? It's not very good, but I just made it up myself, and-"  


Batman sighed. "I don't have time for this." He shoved him back with one hand and ran after the villainess. Selina soon subdued Condiment King and caught up with Batman. Ivy had stopped just outside of the building, near the unconscious form of Harley Quinn. The restaurant was surrounded with nearly a dozen police cars. Ivy slowly set down the bag and put her hands up.  


Officer Montoya nodded at Batman and Selina. "We've got it from here," she shouted over the police sirens. Batman gave a half-smile in response.  


"So," Selina noted, catching her breath. "Not the worst date I've ever been on. We should do this again sometime." She turned to ask Bruce if he was okay, but he was already gone.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published fanfiction, so I'm sorry if it's awful. Any feedback whatsoever is greatly appreciated! :)


End file.
